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CREEPY CRAWLY

Everyone has an inbuilt device that cringes at the sight of objects that offend the eyes often referred to as phobia. I have total dislike for anything that creeps. My mode phobia goes hyperthyroid with panic attacks, panic pins shoot through my brain at the sight of any creepy crawly. It is catatonic. They give my eyes the sorest picture ever! They poke my nerves and make me tremble with raw fear. A “mode phobia” light blinks furiously at the sight of wobbling, twisting creepy crawly slithering dangerously along path ways.

I have always thought that big houses are natural habitants of creepy crawlies.

Growing up in a large house with trees dotting the driveway of our sprawling GRA compound, creepy crawlies had taken pleasure tormenting our collective psyche at their whims making us to speak in languages indecipherable at each encounter.

The preparation to visit my homeboy after he moved to a new house on one of his numerous transfers was full of excitement for me. However, instinct with alarm bells doused my complete excitement knowing my homeboy’s penchant for big spacious houses. Big houses are my natural adversary out of experience while growing up.

 

Driving through the big gates, my eyes took in the sprawling house in the massive compound and my heart crashed to the bottom of my ribcage. OMG! I groaned, cherishing my initial conception not to get excited as my eyes swept through the huge compound, and my eyes went foggy with fearful tears. This indeed is my spiritual antithesis. I groaned inwardly as I saw myself swinging in bundles of nervousness and uninvited anxieties in the big sprawling edifice. The quick assurances from my homeboy and my host stopped me from driving right back to Abuja. That night I could barely close my eyes as fear kept prodding me rudely awake.

Over the couple of days, my activated mode phobia kept me from complete relaxation, keeping me on edge. Just as I was about to relax and shed the cloak of fright, a brown slithering creepy crawly fell off one of the trees which sent me bolting blindly into the house with the speed of a charging bull. Screaming with terror, I momentarily forgot my feminism and sped away without shoes, dropping everything I had with me on the path of flight, my vocal cords spilling vituperations in hybrid of Chinese, Japanese and Portuguese.

Fumigation and felling of trees followed to appease yours truly but Mode phobia alert button refused to top blinking danger signals and I passed the days with breathless trepidation.

Playing around the compound few days later, the children came screaming into the house shouting “big mummy, mummy, come and see a snake” and they dashed out of the house again.

See what?

Panic and fear kept me rooted for some seconds before I sprinted  into the room.

AGBAAYA!!!  as my people would say, hehehehehe!

I jumped on the bed trembling like dry leaves in the harmattan wind, listening to hear that the uninvited visitor has been executed, yes EXECUTED!

However the chaotic noise that drifted to me told me that the creepy crawly had disappeared into oblivion!

Ha! Mogbe!

Ki La ti fe seyi sio o???

Now tell me how does one sleep with fire on her roof? Another round of clearing was done but the creepy crawly was not arrested, it had slipped away! My nerves were so frayed, I became paranoid, i jumped at the slightest rustle of paper! Like David in the Bible, I encouraged myself in the Lord after several vicious attempts to eject the whole clan of creepy crawlies from their illegal habitation, wondering if they were truly ejected.

With trepidation, I lived through the remaining days with false bravado as different tales about creepy crawlies grew with each sympathizing visitor doing little to douse my mounting fears.

Narrative of visitor ONE:  A creepy crawly got into her store and lived there for a while feeding fat on her potatoes. They were unaware of their co- tenancy until a charmer dislodged it from the store! The charmer came primarily to take away the big one found under the flower bed which the children had ignorantly prodded with a stick three days before without informing the adults in the house.

Olorun o!

I vowed from that day, no more potatoes in the house!

Bah tah nah nah nah!

I don’t wanna feed no creepy things in ma house!

But yours sincerely, i walked around the kitchen on my toes in the state of panic, fear and anxiety. Tip toe, look around, tip toe, check the corners, tip toe, check the sink, tip toe, take a big stick to open the cupboard to pick out a pot for cooking. Tip toe..tip toe…on and on that was my routine.

It was sheer terror to open the store for anything, I relinquished that role wholeheartedly, magnanimously and good naturedly to the houseboy. In fact, he could take ten tubesr of yams for the two he requested or empty all the cubes of sugar in the pack plus the foodstuffs in the store for all I cared.

I gave myself leave, in short i went on AWOL!

I bind the spirit that would take me near the store.

 

Visitor TWO narrated to my growing horror how a creepy crawly found its way into the wardrobe, it was discovered when she had to pick a fresh set of clothes after a very tiring day at work.

Say what?

In the wardrobe?

Whaddayya think?

Aaaah I just respected myself through the following days without going near the wardrobe to the amusement and later consternation of my homeboy. I made sure the doors of all the wardrobes in the house were shut! I went hysteric when a door was left open, no magnetic force was strong enough to pull me towards the wardrobe, out of the question !

Even if a little bird whispered to me that a lady was hiding there, I would have been so magnanimous to allow her stay as long as she desired!

Na your luck tee hee!  No force would make me open the doors even if Dangote left 10m in the wardrobe, I would have told Dangote to go in himself to retrieve the money, the antidote to what i feared in there has not be manufactured yet! It is still someone’s fantasy.

Emi ko, I double cover myself with the blood of Jesus.

Visitor THREE: opined that since the creepy crawly could not be found, perhaps it had gone through the drain pipe to surface thereafter in the toilet bowl just like it happened to her neighbour! That was a double blow!

Ha!

Otio!

When would these endless tales of nightmares come to an end? She said her neighbour went to the loo around 4am (thankfully, there was no power outage) his eyes popped out with sudden fear at what was staring back at him as he lifted the lid off the seat of the toilet bowl.

Balanced comfortably enjoying its own company was a creepy crawly. Fear punched him in the pit of his stomach, crippling him instantly as he fell on his knees chanting prayers to his God to deliver him from this nightmare before him. With great strength out of primal survival instincts, he slammed down the lid, crawling and sweating as he beat a hasty retreat from the war zone.

He knew he was no match for his opponent!

Hehehehe!

Sweat drenched his trembling body as he slammed the toilet door shut,  clumsily grabbing everything he could lay his hands on to stack behind the door as if the crawly could physically open it, desperately trying to put a distance between him and the invader.

He crawled all the way to the car, numbed of reasoning that another one could be out there at that ungodly hour. He crawled like a cripple into the car on his hands and knees momentarily forgetting that he had ability to walk!

Heehee heheeheee!

Fear propelled him to drive all the way from Lokoja to Abuja. He didn’t know he was enroute Abuja until after Gwagwalada when his senses returned.

He also couldn’t brink himself to tell his neighbors and houseboy who lived in the boy squatters to dislodge it after he got to Abuja the next day.  The houseboy woke up to find the doors and gate wide open and wondered where his boss had disappeared so early. In his haste to scamper away he forgot he had a houseboy, his senses had taken flight!  It took him months to get over that episode that would have dreadfully castrated him overnight. In Abuja, and in absolute terror, he must have frantically twitched with his wife to calm his frenzied nerves, to be absolutely sure his balls were truly intact.

Hehehehe hahahahha!

That twitching drama is what you and I could only imagine but never permitted to witness.

 

By now my adrenaline had pumped mega high and over. I gave the loo a wide berth until I got constipated. Fluid discharge was done after several agonizing AZONTO and SKELEWU. It was easier getting anyone stay around while emptying fluid but how do you expect anyone to inhale the unpleasant fragrance of solid waste? My bowels eventually revolted. I crept to the loo first day  and sat with one half of the butt, heart thumping, eyes darting here and there, ready to bolt at any appearance of it, one could cut the thick clouds of fear around me with a jack knife!

One night, as I turned on my side in my sleepy state, my groggy eyes focused on a long black object dangling from the wardrobe and fear exploded like a bomb in my brain. I screamed out in terror. When the lights were snapped on, it turned out to be only a belt dangling and twisting as a result of the harmattan breeze and the illumination of the outside light spilling into the room through the window. My homeboy glared murderously at me for waking him up and turned back to hit the pillows again leaving me in a state of fear and anger.

Why should the belt be kept there in the first place? I asked no one in particular. It wasn’t my fault that a belt was making me afraid. I glared  at the already sleeping form wondering why he couldn’t even keep a little vigil with me.

Why was fear alien to him?

I tried to sleep but twisted thoughts swirled my troubled heart, primal terror was almost turning me  whacko. I churned thoughts in my mind over and over and felt fear melting and anger growing. I came to the knowing conclusion. I was going to confront the demon of fear that has tormented my psyche.

 

Next morning, armed with my weapons of warfare, a big long stick, together with the guards and houseboy ( yelz o, you don’t expect me to lead the expedition to that dangerous terrain hehehehe my swag was at rock bottom level, my own title of aare ona kakanfo is not also suicidal win or lose),  I marched like a raging bull, inwardly furious but with the speed of a snail outwardly, cowardice and determination interwoven. With the courage of Aare Ona Kakanfo, i opened up all the shut doors, wardrobes, store, checked out hidden places in the house with the words of my mouth.  Everywhere was turned upside down, inside out with an absolute resolve to dislodge the invaders, each passing minute building my confidence and breaking down fear. I became bold to participate in the expedition. There was nothing anywhere! I heaved a huge sigh of relief. It was like releasing air from a balloon!

Prrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrsssssss!

By the time to go back to Abuja drew near, the demon of fear had disappeared into the abyss. No more twisted thoughts, no more flushes of creeping fear, no hair -raising or panic attacks. My mode button had translated to mode bold.

Yipppeee! Boom! Toot! Clash!

It was like dancing in the wind. Let the music play on! Sekemsekemsekemsekem……….!

 

Pssssssssst!!! Let me whisper into your ears. I still check around me till date especially toilet bowls, silently praying………. I may not have balls to protect but I gotta ma butts to protect you know!

He he he hehehehe!

 

First published in RSL. Now modified. Enjoy!

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